For many years I felt like I was living outside of my body. I remember when this strange phenomenon began; immediately after my twin boys were delivered by an emergency C-section two months early. I was listening to the hustle and bustle of all the doctors and nurses around me intubating both boys and rushing them to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I didn’t hear them cry! Why were they not crying??
It is possible I created this personality after my second miscarriage and the seven months I carried my twins. I remember I didn’t believe in my soul I was pregnant because of the miscarriages and all the treatments I endured to create a pregnancy with fertility treatments. I didn’t want to feel anymore, it hurt too much. It was easier to create a stronger me to deal with the pain.
This is when the other person who shared my soul emerged who was stronger, fearless, emotion free and capable of making important decisions to advocate for my boys’ rights and a powerhouse who could stand up to the professionals. The person before was incapable of facing the life challenges ahead.
This was the defense mechanism I needed to create. I watched myself speak firmly to the doctors, make unbelievable and devastating decisions, watching my sister deal with her own issues, watching my mother deteriorate with the devastating effects of leukemia, and finally sitting by my son’s bedside for a month before he passed in 2006.
Presently, my inner soul is trying to heal with the help of a therapist who is slowly peeling away the cobwebs I allowed to form for 44 years. As I slowly search for the person I was before my life took a drastic left turn, it hurts. I developed an anxiety disorder, I feel sad and do not understand why and I want to sit and cry for hours and can’t.
My therapist asked me to be patient. I developed this defense mechanism many years ago and it will take time to work through it. Is this what post traumatic stress is; Yes it is and thank God I am getting help.
Dear friends…..if you can relate to this story, please seek help. Our mind is a powerful phenomenon and so intricately fragile. If you feel the symptoms I described I implore you to seek help from a therapist, I promise you it will change your life.