In 1987 when we were notified there was a bed available for Jason, I was filled with mixed emotions. I was his mother, nurse, social worker, therapist and advocate for eight years. Was I ready to give all this up? Was I capable and strong enough to let go? No I was not.
At that time, I felt guilty and I hated myself for giving up on him. I thought this was what I was doing. I was giving up my son because I no longer wanted or could continue caring for his needs. He had spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy and his doctor very wisely felt he needed to be placed in a facility where he could receive more advanced medical care. He told me I was a great mother but it was time to let go.
HOW DOES ONE LET GO OF THEIR CHILD?
I did. I survived. I ignored the looks of shame and disgust I imagined I was seeing. Of course none of my family or close friends ever said anything to me; I imagined it because of the tremendous guilt I felt.
That was twenty eight years ago. Now that I am a wiser and stronger woman, I now know it was the best decision I ever made for Jason and for our family. Jason lived twenty years in a facility who loved him as much as we did. I truly believe he lived longer than his life expectancy would suggest.
I made a very unselfish decision back in 1987. I wonder if I chose another path, what would my life be like now????