For many years I had a love/hate relationship with god. I was confused, frustrated, angry and somewhat baffled trying to understand who my god was. I was raised Jewish and I am proud to be a Jewish female. I attended Sunday school as a child where I was taught the history of the Jewish people and their culture and learned about our many holiday traditions. I visited my grandparents three times a year in upstate New York who were fanatically orthodox and spoke only Yiddish. As I watched quietly, not to disturb my grandfather, early in the morning wrapping a Tefillin around his chest and arms and start davening. I wondered, is this many years of tradition expanding generations without any real religious purpose. Is this who I really am? Do I want to continue generational traditions that don’t have true meaning to me? I found the answers to the questions much later in life that gave me the true meaning of believing in myself.
Life has a way of opening your eyes and allowing one to find their way through hills and valleys that molds a human being. I was dealt many difficult hills and a few valleys mingled within the hills. I was forced to find meaning in my challenges. I had to because I needed a way to survive the inner turmoil I was experiencing. I found “my god ” in a spiritual form for which I found comfort. I began to believe “my god” gave me my life of challenges for many reasons. He needed to find a woman who would be strong, loving and resourceful to care for a special child. He found me to be this woman to care for this special child. He knew who who I was and what was hidden in me. He gave me my son who would help me find the strength, wisdom and resourcefulness I had hidden deep inside my soul.
In order to put all the above in perspective I was given a gift from god and I will be forever in his debt. You might ask….why are you still believing in your spiritual god after he took your loving son away after only 28 years? I must admit I had some difficulty understanding the devastation I experienced losing my dear son so young. However, I eventually realized god needed to take him home again because his job was finished here on earth. He has another job now. He is my guardian angel guiding me to use my skills to help others who are struggling with their special needs children. He helped me write a book and find my voice through inspirational and spiritual painting.
I am very proud of my heritage and I found strength through using my religion in a spiritual way which has made me a very happy and contented woman. I don’t know where it would lead me but I hope it will help me to continue spreading awareness to others.