Something on my Mind

I believe after many posts you have an idea how I tick, so to speak. I suffered with years of lack of self confidence and insecurity. After a few months of deep thinking I know where these faults came from. I developed them after attending the Philadelphia Public School System. Let me remind you this was many years ago, I started school in 1956 and graduated in 1968. They did not provide Special Education back then and didn’t even acknowledge any kind of learning problems in children.

I believe I was one of those children who would have benefited from Special Education if it was available. I was a slow learner, had difficulty understanding word problems in math and English basic grammar rules. Because I had these difficulties I received very low grades. Because of the low grades I was placed in slower classes. Unfortunately the slower classes were fully packed with poorly misbehaved students who did not want to learn. I was lost in the shuffle when the teachers found themselves spending more time disciplining than teaching.

I quickly began to compensate for what I didn’t understand. I don’t remember exactly how I did it but I obviously did something right because I was moved up to the next grade each school semester. I basically was ignored and shoveled through without anyone caring or helping me.

My grades did get better when I started high school but at that time it was too late. I was not eligible to attend college because of my past grades and was not excepted in a higher commercial curriculum because of my history with poor math and English skills. I was forced to take a retail selling curriculum for which I was not interested.

In high school I worked as a volunteer in a counselor’s office. He asked me one day what I was going to do after I graduated and my answer was, “I don’t know.” He sat me down, pulled out brochures and we both found a school I could attend. I sent the application and was accepted. I enjoyed many years working as a medical secretary because of the counselor’s help.

Fast forward to present, I now find myself writing a book about my son. Go figure? I also find myself writing in a blog. Go figure? I am very grateful for all of my doctors and bosses I worked for through the years. I very carefully took notice of their corrections on the letters I wrote and memorized them for future reference. I was again compensating.

My point I am trying to make here is I feel very inadequate. I feel my writing is not perfect. If you noticed this, I appreciate your politeness in not pointing it out. My editor found many errors and helped me by correcting them and sending me references to see what I did wrong. She is very patient with me and I very much appreciate it.

With her help and a very good friend, my book is being diligently read to find all my errors. I am working very hard so this book reads perfectly if it is the last thing I do.

This is why I decided to write this blog post because for some reason I felt I needed to explain my school history. I am a much wiser and mature woman now and for the first time in my life I know I am not dumb, I just went to school at a time when they did not have the knowledge they have now. Thank God they do have Special Education now or my sons would not have had the great school experience they deserved.

Thank you for reading my posts and following my blog. HUGS to you all.

Jude

5 thoughts on “Something on my Mind

  1. šŸ˜¦ As one who always suffered confidence issues as well it makes me sad to read another saying “I feel inadequate”. My husband is one of the most intelligent people I know but he can’t spell at all, he’s hopeless!!!! His writing his shocking as well. If you are seeing that as a barometer of how smart or adequate you are please don’t and don’t ever feel a need to apologise for it šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚ I have read posts of my own after publishing and realised it all sounded gibberish and gone back and edited the heck out of it. It’s sad how our early years and experiences form the framework of a belief system that affects the rest of our lives but in becoming aware of how that has affected me and the faulty beliefs I had grown up with and making them right in my mind has helped me enormously – just sad sometimes we don’t get it till we are middle aged… some never. I have read other posts of yours and thought how lucky your kids are to have you as a Mum! I have worked as a special needs teacher aide then with intellectually impaired adults for 9 years, now in mental health. I have seen parents who cope well, others who don’t cope at all – you should be very proud of you xx

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  2. Boy, do I understand what you are saying, Jude. I too had a horrible time in the long ago public school system. It took me most of my life to get over all the damage that was done. Outside of the book I have written, I have never come across anyone else mentioning going through this. Thank you so very much šŸ™‚

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  3. You are very welcome. I believe there are many more victims like us. It took me many years to finally realize what happened to me. It was very refreshing to write that post and to finally come to terms with what happened to me.

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