Dealing with a Complicated Husband

It appears I am back again talking about my husband. I am so involved emotionally with our complicated marriage I am unable to concentrate on my art. I promise I will share my art soon but I need to get my head cleared.

My husband and I had another deep “discussion” this weekend and what he admitted to me totally flew me for a loop. How can I believe him? However, living with this man for so long as I did, how can I just leave him in total despair without providing some sympathy.

We had a serious discussion about our finances. We are having problems because of the debt we incurred from caring for his mother before she died and then his brother who has paranoid schizophrenia. He continued to live in their house for two years until I finally found a boarding home for him to live in so we can sell the house and hope to clear our debt. The house sold but everything is still in red tape in the estate.

So back to our discussion…I asked him very patiently and as nice as I could to please handle our current debt problems. Do what ever needs to be done, but take care of it. I no longer have the mental capacity to handle anything else in our family. I am burned out!!

What happened next totally left me dumbfounded. He starts to cry and tells me he has been depressed all his life and this is why he is unable to function. He again reminded me I never showed any compassion or empathy. All he ever needed from me is empathy and a hug to tell me everything will be all right.

I needed to leave the house at that time because I did not have an answer. I had to digest what he told me. When I returned and we both were calmed, I simply asked him how did he expect me to sympathize with him and console him when he never opened up to me about being depressed. He never showed any signs of severe depression. I always thought it was part of his personality. His father was a quiet man also. I told him I cannot read his mind. If you needed me to console you and hug you when you were feeling down, you should have shared your problem with me years ago and I would prove to you that I can be compassionate. I would have urged you to see a doctor many years ago to get help. I would have understood your personality. He responded by just saying I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know how.

In my defense…..The way I see this he is giving me another excuse for his behavior all these years. Instead of opening up to me, he chose to control and emotionally abuse me. I am not a psychologist but I believe this is transference…he was transferring his feelings to me and making me the abuser rather than the victim.

What do you think. If he is truly depressed and he chose to handle it his way all these years, should I believe him and excuse him for his behavior? I cannot treat him the way he treats me. If he is sick, I want to help him. However, I have to believe he is being truthful here and not controlling me with just another story so he doesn’t have to handle life’s challenges?

We are continuing to see our therapists and this certainly will be the main topic this week. I pray every day for a peaceful existence and a happy life for what every time I have left. I have to believe God is hearing me but how many more challenges can I handle before he makes it better for me?

11 thoughts on “Dealing with a Complicated Husband

  1. I believe that he is telling you the truth. He was raised in an abusive environment and probably did not know how to communicate it. Also, didn’t you say that his father or grandfather was a POW… Imagine all the emotions that a POW has and can never say it. It becomes a sign of weakness. I truly believe that he is a product of his environment but as layer upon layer of wounds are exposed, you will see more of what has been hidden inside of him. Not only are our bodies and emotions wounded, but our souls and spirits are wounded from our life experiences. These are deep wounds that we probably did not know even existed. I feel that another layer of wounds has been exposed that needs healing, I also feel the counseling is helping him. Remember, God heals… so I join you in prayer for both of you!!

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      1. Yes… and I can tell you that my abuser never broke to where he cried to me. That is big! For his hardened shell to break where he could let you in to see a little of what he has been going through, I feel that God is working on him and counseling is getting through. It is not fair. It still hurts. But it helps you to understand the depths of both of your wounds. You are both victims. That does not make it easier to deal with but can help you to understand and forgive. A big part of your healing will be forgiveness for all that he has done to you. Here is a posting that I wrote when I first started. Remember, you both have many layers of wounds that need healing. It is a slow process, day by day… and with God, all is possible. Hang onto Him.

        http://secretangelps911.wordpress.com/2013/05/18/abusers-previously-called-victimsas-the-cycle-continues-matt-614-15/

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      2. I am happy to have met you. Deep inside I didn’t want to give up. I believe in healing. If I understand what caused his attacks on me, I think I can heal from it and forgive him. I do not like holding grudges and I especially hate hearing the anger in some blogs I am reading. I hated the anger in me as well. We need God to heal us both. My husband isn’t a believer but I am. Thank you for helping me clear the fog in my head.

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      3. You are so welcome, my friend… But it is not me. God guides my path everyday and I pray for the words to say. It is God that showed me the depths of wounds in my brokenness. It is God who told me that my abuser treated me the same way that he was treated. It is only through God that we can truly forgive and heal. I pray that God will touch your husbands heart in this process to turn to Him and then you both can have a total transformation. I would never encourage someone to stay in an abusive, violent situation. But I see a melting of his heart taking place and I join you in prayer for your husband.
        Lord, Most Holy Yahweh, I pray for Your children here and ask for a mighty work in both of their lives with total healing and restoration that they can live their days with You in Peace. I ask that You reveal Yourself to them like never before and touch their hearts to open and receive You so that You can use all that they have been through for Your Glory… in Yahshua’s Most Holy Name. Amen.

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  2. Judith, every relationship takes two and I also believe he was telling you the truth. Some people do not know how to express their feelings because they were never taught. I can vouch for that myself until about ten years ago. It does not excuse certain things he may have said to your or how he vented his anger but im sure deep down he relaly loved u and just couldnt find the right words.

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  3. Based on my years of experience, an abuser sees himself as the one suffering. In his mind his abuse is your fault. An abuser, male or female, does not ever accept responsibility for their actions. I would recommend that you see a therapist with experience in DV. Or contact your nearest shelter and talk with one of their counselors. An abuser has certain personality traits that they exhibit. Please be careful. If he is really depressed, it is not your responsibility to fix and this could lead to murder- suicide. He can’t change. You are the one who can and must change. What you say you want the rest of your life to be like can only be accomplished when you move on. And do not allow him to manipulate you. You must do this for yourself. You have your life to gain. Hugs, Barbara

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