It appears I am back again talking about my husband. I am so involved emotionally with our complicated marriage I am unable to concentrate on my art. I promise I will share my art soon but I need to get my head cleared.
My husband and I had another deep “discussion” this weekend and what he admitted to me totally flew me for a loop. How can I believe him? However, living with this man for so long as I did, how can I just leave him in total despair without providing some sympathy.
We had a serious discussion about our finances. We are having problems because of the debt we incurred from caring for his mother before she died and then his brother who has paranoid schizophrenia. He continued to live in their house for two years until I finally found a boarding home for him to live in so we can sell the house and hope to clear our debt. The house sold but everything is still in red tape in the estate.
So back to our discussion…I asked him very patiently and as nice as I could to please handle our current debt problems. Do what ever needs to be done, but take care of it. I no longer have the mental capacity to handle anything else in our family. I am burned out!!
What happened next totally left me dumbfounded. He starts to cry and tells me he has been depressed all his life and this is why he is unable to function. He again reminded me I never showed any compassion or empathy. All he ever needed from me is empathy and a hug to tell me everything will be all right.
I needed to leave the house at that time because I did not have an answer. I had to digest what he told me. When I returned and we both were calmed, I simply asked him how did he expect me to sympathize with him and console him when he never opened up to me about being depressed. He never showed any signs of severe depression. I always thought it was part of his personality. His father was a quiet man also. I told him I cannot read his mind. If you needed me to console you and hug you when you were feeling down, you should have shared your problem with me years ago and I would prove to you that I can be compassionate. I would have urged you to see a doctor many years ago to get help. I would have understood your personality. He responded by just saying I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know how.
In my defense…..The way I see this he is giving me another excuse for his behavior all these years. Instead of opening up to me, he chose to control and emotionally abuse me. I am not a psychologist but I believe this is transference…he was transferring his feelings to me and making me the abuser rather than the victim.
What do you think. If he is truly depressed and he chose to handle it his way all these years, should I believe him and excuse him for his behavior? I cannot treat him the way he treats me. If he is sick, I want to help him. However, I have to believe he is being truthful here and not controlling me with just another story so he doesn’t have to handle life’s challenges?
We are continuing to see our therapists and this certainly will be the main topic this week. I pray every day for a peaceful existence and a happy life for what every time I have left. I have to believe God is hearing me but how many more challenges can I handle before he makes it better for me?