Today there are no paintings or music or funny stories. I am working on another face in my journal; still practicing my faces:) When it is done I will share it here. Each face I attempt is getting somewhat better but I will not be happy until I perfect it.
I believe my mental status is keeping me from concentrating doing my art and other things in my studio. the last couple of days. My husband is behaving himself to a point but I am so walking on egg shells. I am physically responding to his body language waiting for the next verbal pounce. My anxiety symptoms are back. I decided to work in my studio all day keeping busy with all my projects and online class assignments and trying to relax and breath normally.
My therapist is helping me by showing me techniques on how to respond when he gets in his “moods”. Unfortunately she is not here to see the affect of his response to my new learned techniques. He appears to have a hearing problem. I continue to tell him what he feels is his responsibility…not mine. I do not have to respond to his needs. If he feels the way he feels he needs to own it….not me. However, this technique doesn’t work on him. He totally turns me out and continues to verbally vomit everything about how I do this and how I do that to make him upset. The other day he actually told me I have narcissistic tendencies. I asked him why he thinks this and who suggested this to him. He would not answer me. I think he just gets a “hard on” (excuse me for my language) getting me upset and involved in his argument. I cannot walk away because he follows me. The other day I went into my bedroom and locked the door so that he would not enter. He attempted to enter and realized it was locked and finally walked away not before he said a few more words to make sure I heard him. He walked away happy because he now got the control he wanted.
The only way I can gain peace in my house is to keep him happy. I let him talk and not answer him. This confuses him somewhat but he eventually gets over it. I just place myself in my little world of peace and turn him off. I still keep my own room but I sleep in his bed. This makes him happy and when he is happy, I am free of the verbal abuse. If it works for him….it works for me. The only problem now is he knows he has me under his control when I am in his room but it does provide a somewhat better living environment mentally.
I am working very hard toward a future where I can support myself to a point I can move out and live in peace. Until this time comes….I need to do what ever has to be done to keep me from losing it all and to control my anxiety.